HEY, I CAN DO THAT!

I decided my blog is a perfect way to make a curriculum vitae for any open New York Post sports headline writing positions. If we are allowed to say/do/write anything nowadays, I believe I’m great for the job. I hope these help my consideration…

1. Dwyane Wade’s dunk saves The Heat’s season:

BLACKNIFICENT!

2. Eduardo Najera’s new contract said to be exponential:

@1whodatis is a superior life form. She’s one of those people that they call a DJ. But she’s a DJ that really loves music. She uses music to tell stories. For instance, not too long ago, she was sick. Upon recovery, she turned to the music to uplift others. THAT probably made her feel better faster than anything else. She’s that type of person where she gets happiness out of making others happy. If you’d like to purchase a compact disc or 12, click that picture may help…

When talking about someone with that amount of moxie, I’m sure you know she has other responsibilities. It’s only natural. She owns Ya Digg Records. Yes, there were once things called records and you can find them at her brick and mortar store (which also used to be real things). Check out YDR’s Tumblr page while you’re at it. Tis quite cool. Do yourself a solid and keep up with this young lady’s goings-on. She’s inspirational. But, above all else, she won’t stop winning for anybody. I’m cool with that.

Looks like we’re on the fast track to 210,000… buckle your seatbelts!

This is part 2 of my cream cheese experiments. In the interest of not wasting your time, I’ll just say I used the same preparing/cooking method as with the Strawberry Cheesecake French Toast. So the graham cracker encrusting and cream cheese spread all make a return here. The difference is I made an addition to the mix of the sugar and cream cheese:

For some reason the mix of cream cheese, sugar and key lime juice went together perfectly! Maybe it was the combo of sweet and sour. SIDEBAR: If you make it, feel free to use real key limes, I just already had the juice in the fridge. But yeah, French bread + key lime cream cheese + graham cracker crust = food fornication:

You know what was next… they were thrown in a buttered pan. Yes, I said THEY. And, yes, I made 2. Correction, I made 2 for myself. By definition, Sunday means it’s okay to be fat.

I had no idea what to use as a syrup since using maple syrup seemed like it would be gross. So I just drizzled honey on top. Oh, and I had just enough French vanilla Cool Whip left to give this Frankenstein some class. Both turned out to be good ideas:

All jokes aside, this may be the most delicious thing I’ve ever made. It’s like all the ingredients played off of each other real well. If you make it, let me know how it works out. But may stomach is happy and my taste buds ain’t mad either. Time to retire to my sugar coma. Good day!

I had planned on doing this experiment a long time ago. But I never got around to it. However, my coworker where I work at the work that I work at also distributes bread. He gave me a loaf of French bread to try. Well that was like a calling to me. Here’s everything I needed:

You might know I usually use almond milk, but I used regular milk for the egg wash this time because, well, because it was in my fridge and I need to get rid of it. I crushed up the graham crackers to make a crust for after I dipped the bread in the egg wash. Now here’s the kicker:

I got some soft cream cheese and stirred in sugar to sweeten it. I SHOULD have bought whipped cream cheese. It’s much easier to manipulate. Kroger seems to think soft cream cheese just means it’s in a tub instead of a silver box. Anyway, I spread it on the bread, added sliced strawberries and made sandwiches to Frenchify.

I dipped the sandwiches in the egg wash on both sides, covered it in mashed graham crackers and threw it in the pan. I was ready to jump this French toast’s proverbial bones when it looked like this:

I dolled it up for the cameras (BKA my single phone camera). And when I cut into it… yeah:

And the dollop of French vanilla Cool Whip was an absolute gluttonous necessity. To be honest, it was good, but it could’ve been better. You might think I’m insane for typing this, but it needed to be sweeter. The cream cheese needed more sugar. Other than that, baller status: Jeremy Lin. Now that I know what I need to do, I’m going to have a new experiment jumpin’ off VERY soon (just not today because I think my heart stopped).

@HubertGAM IS a human man. Check out his blog and learn more… no, I mean you will literally learn more than you knew before.

Shout out to 205,000+ anything!

1. When you wake up, cook her favorite breakfast. And by “cook” I mean make her favorite bowl of cereal. She’ll love the sentiment, you’ll love the lack of effort.
2. Showering together can be a tad too personal, but be not discouraged. Wait until she washes her hair to wash your butt. The scent of her green apple almond sugar butter shampoo (and subsequent eye burning sensation) still overpowers that of your wretched hygiene.
3. Challenge her to any game. Beat her mercilessly. Tell her how much better she’s getting at it and how you thought you were going to lose. You’ll receive a large hug as long as your maniacal laughter stays internal.
4. Tell her you RSVPed at the most expensive restaurant in town. On the way there, have your friend send you a text saying it’s being robbed with hostages taken… appetite officially lost. Head home.
5. Roses from a florist are crazy expensive and gas station roses look shittier than a fly’s wet dream. So what are you to do?! Get the cheapest roses you can find from your nearest grocer. They look bad too? So what? Rip the petals off to make a path to a bubble bath topped with more rose petals. She’ll think they look like crap because of the steam and you win.
6. After all that, establish a safe word when you have sex as she’ll certainly make sure it’s of the rough variety.
7. If you two don’t have sex, choose to do some light decorating instead. Namely by changing the Feng Shui of the outside by adorning it with her things.

And those are the keys to having a delightful Valentine’s Day. Now you drive (but take The Club off first)!

CLICK THIS FOR MORE INFO

Just for the record, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling I had when I heard Welcome 2 Detroit for the first time. Think Twice always makes my day:

Shannon is simply an amazing young woman. We worked together slanging jeans to people that like wearing jeans which is why they were coming to buy jeans. Rest assured that it’s more stressful than it sounds. That’s why this lady is so special. She’s always smiling. She’s eternally kind. She made four hours of retail (which is 10 hours in real time) move faster than the speed of light. She’s incredibly super. And if all that isn’t enough, she had the world’s cutest baby… take that, Blue Ivy (lol that’s just stupid and unnecessary)! If you’re reading this and she happens to be next to you, give her a hug for me just cause. But also tell her happy birthday cause, well, today’s her birthday! Thank you for being so supportive, madam. In terms of gifts, I hope this is the worst one you receive today. You deserve a lot!

I can’t believe I’m typing this, but The Consummate Button Masher is about to reach 200,000 views. That’s a milestone and a kilometerrock. You know that means some YouTuberatin’ is up next. See ya soon!

@Kopelli313 is nobody worth bothering with is what I’d say if I was dumb, deaf and blind. Well I certainly can see and hear. Moreover, I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid (whatever that means). Hence, he’s cool. He does this thing where he says a line with a word that rhymes with another word at the end of another line in a rhythmic way over music. I’ve been told it’s more commonly known as rapping. He’s in a crew called Cold Men Young which you’ve seen around this blog. He’s also pretty darn great on the solo tip. I have proof! Here are two songs he made that I’m SURE got children birthed:

But outside of his evil plan to overpopulate the Earth through song, he’s a really great dude. That’s what this whole thing is REALLY about, right? I think I just asked myself a rhetorical question… spooky. ANYWAY, he and the homies are constantly doing big things all over America that you should check out. So follow him, fan him, friend him and whatever other Fs he’ll allow (yes, I laughed).

Yo, 195,000 is almost here so hold on to your horses… so they don’t become dog food.

Q. Where are strange ships, bizarre boats and peculiar pontoons parked?

A. Unorthodocks

Yes. You have been blessed this day and you are truly welcome. New Feature 5000 at 3pm EST.