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You FAIL In Love

June 29, 2011

Wowwy wow! Just when you think the odd-ometer can’t be pushed any further, more NOS gets introduced. Did you get that car reference? Okay, watch: an extra D was added to odometer on purpose to make it “odd”; NOS (Nitrous Oxide System) makes a car go past its limit, but it’s also like “nos” because there are a lot of nos in this story. Funny thing is, after all that, this post has nothing to do with cars. Now that I’ve effectively stripped any and all mystery out of those puns, on to the man that is top tier yuck right now.

That’s Doug Hutchison. This 51 year old is a pretty great actor AND he grew up in Detroit! Not only that, congratulations are in order because he just got married! What could be so wrong about that? Nothing… right? OF COURSE THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT, SILLY! Why else would he be on here?! Let’s meet the happy couple.

Awww! That’s Doug’s new wife, Courtney Alexis Stodden. She’s beautiful. She’s a wannabe pop star. I avoided trying to find any of her music as the term “wannabe pop star” by definition means it’s terrible. But I digress. Want to know what else Courtney is? She is 16! That disturbs me to the Nth degree. If she’s 16, how old was she when they started dating? In what cockamamie situation did a 51 year old and a teenager even cross paths in order to start dating? Was his old ass chaperoning a prom when Courtney walked past and Doug felt his temperature rise (feel free to replace “temperature” with “penis”, but I didn’t want to do that)? Was Courtney volunteering at a convalescent home for actors and found the geriatric of her dreams? Whatever the case, blech! But here’s something I think Courtney’s folks should pay attention to…

Let’s take these three characters as an example. Percy Wetmore in The Green Mile, Loony Bin Jim in Punisher: War Zone and Victor Tooms on X-Files… resident asshole, psycho killer and liver-stealing monster, respectively (LOL). He was damn good in each of those roles, too. And there’s the problem, Courtney’s mother and father! I understand he’s just acting, but he plays a ne’er-do-well fairly well. He’s too flawless at scumbaggery. He may be good at it in real life. So if Courtney ends up cannibalized, remember that you just had to see a movie with him in it to stop it. SIDEBAR: Whatever city this is that let’s 16 year olds get married when they can’t drink, smoke or be in adult movies is a strange one to me. Nevertheless, Doug Hutchison, ugh. You’re a great actor, but, yeah, uh…

Jesus. Please don’t kill her, Doug.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 30, 2011 2:06 am

    This is not cool, not cool at all… I wonder if he and Jerry Lewis chill and drink?

  2. Dev permalink
    June 30, 2011 9:45 am

    I thought she was 46.

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