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Cartoon Black History: Mr. Persnickety

December 15, 2011

We all need a change every now and then. When we’re too hardheaded to do it ourselves, fate finds a way to step in. That’s what happened to Alabama’s own Mr. Persnickety. However, you may be shocked to find out that he was once…

Yes, that is the very crotchety Henry Fussy III… a nobody. That fact, along with everything else, annoyed him. Mr. Fussy’s aggravation was mostly due to his appearance. He believed his portly build and Hitler mustache was everyone else’s fault and stayed angry as a result.

Henry Fussy made the mistake of being mouthy with the wrong person. A man bumped into him. Fussy said “Hey, jerk, you should pay attention to where you’re going!” The back of his skull was then touched by the fist of this guy…

Paul Strong knocked Fussy smooth out. He was hit in a very specific part of his brain and was in an eight month coma. Fussy woke, but was different. His eyesight was damaged by the punch. The doctor said “Here are your new glasses, Mr. Fussy.” He quickly replied “NO! Those aren’t Gucci frames… and that’s not my name. I’m Henry Persnickety!”

New Gucci frames, new gators, new Michael Kors bowtie, new $500/cut barber, new celebrity trainer, new attitude and lingering head trauma made a whole new man. Although his doctor knew otherwise, he seemed pretty demure.

But no. Mr. Persnickety made being pretentious seem like art. As he shopped for an antique pocket watch, a woman asked how the dress she tried on looked. He said “Wearing that polyester abomination makes you look like you hate taste. You should fly to this boutique in New York on 63rd and buy the one-of-a-kind 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton blend sundress with the deep V. I’m sure you could afford that.”

While thinking "Bitch, please."

As Mr. Persnickety walked off with his his nose in the air, the lady said something aloud that would start a whole new category of black people. Shocked by the experience, she said “That sure was one uppity negro.” He overheard her and couldn’t have agreed more!

He introduced himself as “Mr. Persnickety: The Uppity Negro” everywhere he went. He became famous for leading others like himself to come out of hiding and buy things they didn’t need. Speaking of which, you wonder where he got the money for those purchases? Reparations… you should look into it. How else could anyone afford a vest made from the wool of a prehistoric goat only found on the Galapagos Islands?

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