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Valentine Tips

February 12, 2012

I’m an expert at simpin’ (that means doing things in the most simplistic ways, right?), so I thought I’d pass some great ideas your way. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Let’s get you guys properly readyfied.

  1. When you wake up, cook her favorite breakfast. And by “cook” I mean make her favorite bowl of cereal. She’ll love the sentiment, you’ll love the lack of effort.
  2. Showering together can be a tad too personal, but be not discouraged. Wait until she washes her hair to wash your butt. The scent of her green apple almond sugar butter shampoo (and subsequent eye burning sensation) still overpowers that of your wretched hygiene.
  3. Challenge her to any game. Beat her mercilessly. Tell her how much better she’s getting at it and how you thought you were going to lose. You’ll receive a large hug as long as your maniacal laughter stays internal.
  4. Tell her you RSVPed at the most expensive restaurant in town. On the way there, have your friend send you a text saying it’s being robbed with hostages taken… appetite officially lost. Head home.
  5. Roses from a florist are crazy expensive and gas station roses look shittier than a fly’s wet dream. So what are you to do?! Get the cheapest roses you can find from your nearest grocer. They look bad too? So what? Rip the petals off to make a path to a bubble bath topped with more rose petals. She’ll think they look like crap because of the steam and you win.
  6. After all that, establish a safe word when you have sex as she’ll certainly make sure it’s of the rough variety.
  7. If you two don’t have sex, choose to do some light decorating instead. Namely by changing the Feng Shui of the outside by adorning it with her things.

And those are the keys to having a delightful Valentine’s Day. Now you drive (but take The Club off first)!

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