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Spike Lee’s Oldboy Was Better

February 17, 2014
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Not trying to be incendiary, it’s the truth. I am a big fan of the original Oldboy. But everything that was dumb, useless, and absurd was taken out or made to make more sense in the remake.
I felt like I was the only person in the world that was excited for Lee’s reimagining of Park Chan-wook’s masterpiece. But, because of my demanding work schedule, I didn’t get to see it right away. Well, unfortunately I was pretty much right about being the only one that wanted to see it. In a five day opening, it made just over $1M… those are B-movie type profits. Moreover, when my schedule opened up and I plotted out time to go see it (which was less than two weeks later), it had already been ushered out of the theaters.
I just watched Lee’s Oldboy last night through some all too normal, albeit illegal, means… I downloaded it. I figured, with the bad publicity and terrible reviews, I was wasting my time trying to see it anyway. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Because of that, I feel really bad for Spike. He got set up. He got put in a losing position. No matter what, fanboys were going to hate it because it was made… period. And, let’s just call it as we see it, critics hate Spike Lee. So he was already way behind the eight ball. Then the studios clearly weren’t trying to put any money behind it. I feel like it was a concerted effort to make sure Lee will not be allowed to make another big budget movie again. That sucks.
I’ll give you hardcore fans the fact that Chan-wook’s iconic, single shot fight scene in the original was broken up in Lee’s. It borderlines blasphemy (although, I believe it was Lee’s plan to have a continuous shot). Nevertheless, the remake was better. I’d even venture so far as to say much better. It was more palatable and more believable. So if you’re mad there was no stupid giant ant or octopus snack or hypnotism in Lee’s remake, I can’t help you. But if you’re willing to believe that Park Chan-wook’s movie actually could have been improved upon, I’d suggest you seek it out.
To Spike Lee, you made a damn good film. I wish I could’ve seen it in the theater, but consider the BluRay bought. You were very ambitious playing a game you couldn’t win. I enjoyed the sport.

Young Jeezy Is a Bag Overflowing with Scum

January 6, 2013

Hello, friends. I hope you’re enjoying 2013. Unfortunately I have to start my first post of the new year with a rant. I hope you’ll accept my apologies, but stupidity forces my need to write.

Sometimes my brother uses my iTunes account to buy songs/albums. They’re usually not tracks I gravitate to. He bought Young Jeezy’s TM:103 Hustlerz Ambition (yes, I realize I’m very late). Though I’d never buy that album for myself, Young Jeezy intrigues me. One day I decided I’d listen to the joints while doing stuff around the house… why the hell did I do that?

So the 3rd song is called OJ featuring a couple more Rocky Mountain Oysters named Fabolous and Jadakiss. I’ll spare you the details of the track and just fast forward to my point of contention: the last line of the chorus goes “Killin’ that white bitch/OJ”.

Sigh.

Whatever you think about OJ Simpson, the trial, etc is whatever you think about it and that’s fine. However, it’s really messed up that family members of Nicole Brown Simpson can’t be fans of rap/hip-hop because any of its ambassadors at any point in time may make a horrific lyric about their slain loved one. Nicole Brown Simpson is a murder victim. She didn’t do anything justifying being killed nor her killing be used in a sick metaphor. What part of being brutally stabbed to death makes you a “white bitch” exactly? Moreover, why is that okay?

I imagine if I wrote that line to finish my hook, I’d say to myself ‘You know what, Ruf, that’s not cool’ and figure out some different rhyming words. Young Jeezy, though… nope. I bet he didn’t have a second thought. How stingy can you be with your damns not to give one just from a standpoint of empathy? What kind of foolishness are consumers on where knowing he probably didn’t think twice about that line doesn’t act as a deterrent?

It’s cool, though. Go ahead and support these knuckle draggers no matter what they do. I’ll be over here waiting for you to get mad when Young Jeezy says something dumb like “I’ll take your kids out/Sandy Hook” and ask why you’re surprised.

Well isn't that nice.

Well isn’t that nice.

Detroit CYDI – To Be Continued

September 8, 2012

Yes, I do other things besides make death-inducing breakfast sandwiches. My group Detroit CYDI just debuted our new video called To Be Continued. The song is one of my favorites we’ve ever made. Moreover, the fun we had making the video is incalculable. Hopefully you’ve seen The Avengers allllllll the way to the end so the video will be that much funnier to you. SHOUT OUT TO BYBLOS FOR THE DELICIOUS SHAWARMAS! I hope you like it:

Toast of D-Town Ep 1

August 21, 2012

Writing about food is cool, but see it in motion is more ideal for the sophisticated bunch I attract. Reading may be fundamental, but watching is… ummm… MORE FUN-damental. So in this first foray into bringing French toast to moving pictures, I give you Oreo Birthday Cake stuffed French toast… you’ll need a cold shower after this (and watch it in 720P HD!):

Mocha Cappuccino French Toast

August 5, 2012

I am completely enamored by the word “new”. When I see it, I must have it. So imagine how big my eyes got when I saw a jar of Jif with “New Jif Mocha Cappuccino Flavored Hazelnut Spread” emblazoned on the front. You know what I thought… IT’S FRENCH TOAST TIME! I got mad at my knife for getting to taste it before I did:

Since sugar was the first ingredient in the Jif, I didn’t even bother putting any in the egg wash. So I just stirred up 2 whole eggs with some vanilla extract. You know the deals after that:

Yeah, I know that’s 2 French toast sandwiches… how about you shut up. ANYWAY, the Jif had a warning on the back that said “may contain almond” (among other nuts). Though it may have just been an alphabetical thing, I figured, since almonds was the first thing I saw, it may as well definitely contain almonds. So I topped the French toast with sliced almonds, Sanders hot fudge and Cool Whip (this next picture may have you looking like one of Pavlov’s dogs):

WIPE YOUR FACE! This was absolutely delicious, friends. The almonds gave it a nice crunch. The fudge acting as a syrup substitute was wonderful. But, with all that being the case, the mocha cappuccino flavor was still the star. I mean, just look at it:

This is certainly one of my favorite ones to date. What I love the most about French toast is that it can be made to look pretty and taste illegally good but not take very long to make. I say that because I want you to make it and see if you agree with me. So do me that solid and have fun getting fat and feeling fine about it!

Can Porn Music Get A Grammy?

August 4, 2012

I was 10 years old. It was my father’s visitation day. He took me to his apartment and left me there alone for an extended period of time. He didn’t really do the father thing correctly lol. I digress. I was bored and looked around for something to watch. VCRs still existed. While looking for movies, I stumbled across a VHS tape entitled White Bunbusters. Typing those letters made me giggle just now. Porn is cool so I put the tape in. I was not at all ready for the song that would follow pressing the play button. For 20 years after I told my friends the folklore of the White Bunbusters theme song. Problem was I couldn’t find evidence of this movie’s existence. It was like a figment of my sordid musical imagination. Nevertheless, its legend was strong. My friends and I would randomly sing the magical song of White Bunbusters though I was the only one that had ever actually heard it. I nearly gave up trying to find it as I knew only Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster had a copy that they listened to and laughed about on their UFO over tea. Well I checked one more time. When I tell you YouTube is a gift from any and every God that has ever taken time out to do God stuff, this video is what I mean. It proves I’m not crazy. Moreover, it allows you to get the song stuck in your head that should be our new national anthem. Without further adieu, I give to you the greatest song in opening credits history, White Bunbusters:

Negative is Positive

June 25, 2012

Guess what? I’m negative. I’m negative for AIDS, HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, gout, scurvy, all that shit, yo (okay, the last two aren’t sexually transmitted diseases and should be ignored)! You may be thinking “He hasn’t posted in so long… why is he telling me THIS?!” Well, it’s not because I want to have sex with you (no offense). It’s also not because I was the least bit worried I’d be positive for any of those STDs and felt like I dodged bullets. Nope. I’m telling you this because I’m a man.

On a grand scale, we don’t take care of ourselves. And frankly, it’s stupid. I need us to not be stupid. There are four things I hate more than anything else on this planet: roaches, centipedes, mosquitoes and AIDS. Until I can figure out a government mandated way to eradicate the first three, I want to help kick AIDS’ ass.

The only way to do that is to make people (specifically men) stop being fearful/wary/skeptical of getting checked. Only way to do that is to lead by example. So I got tested… but I got the whole kit ‘n’ kaboodle. That means my finger was pricked, blood drawn, a urine test and the dreaded “swab”.

Before I get into the particulars, let me relay this message: ALL THOSE TESTS COST ME $5! Some cases it’s even free! I’ve gotten the free HIV test before, but I hadn’t gone through this whole process until this go round.

I went mid afternoon and it still only took maybe 1.5 hours total. The doctor asked questions about my sexual history and simultaneously pricked my finger. I literally had no idea she pricked my finger until she started pushing blood out of it. It’s the most painless procedure possible and it’s the one that checks for HIV. Getting your blood pressure checked at a machine in CVS hurts more than making sure you’re HIV negative. Anyway, part of that 1.5 hours is the 15 minute wait it takes for the HIV test to finish. So on to other stuff.

Next was the blood draw. Honestly, we humans tend to psych ourselves out when it comes to needles. EVERY time I think it’s going to be this terrible stabbing and it’s nothing. If anything, the blood draw is equivalent to what I would THINK the finger prick should’ve felt like. That was probably over in 10 seconds. Sweet… I’m almost done. Then she says “This is usually when the guys run out the door.”

Awww shit. I asked if it was because of the idea of what was about to happen or because of actual discomfort. She said it was mostly the latter. Awww shit squared. [Here is the point where I'm going to be very specific; if you don't want to read, go to the next paragraph, but know that all was good] She grabs a very thin metal rod that’s coiled at one end and has a swab at the other. She tells me I’ll need to pull my pants down so she can put the swab inside the immediate opening of my urethra (aka the tip of my junk) and use the coiled end to turn the swab. Awww shit cubed. Though nervous as all of the hell, there was no turning back. So I tried my best to relax and let her do what she had to do. But, just like everything else, it was much ado about nothing! I’m thinking it would be all types of archaic savagery and I’d be writhing in pain during and after. Instead, I believe ‘That was it?!’ was my exact quote. That was, indeed, it.

Last thing I had to do was pee in a cup. After all that other stuff, the finish line was peeing in a cup?! There’s NO WAY checking for STDs is this easy… but it is. And, yeah, that was it! Those tests went off to a lab. By the time I was done with them is when she told me I was negative for HIV and gonorrhea. Even when you know for a fact that you’re HIV negative, unless you’ve been tested, you have no idea how good it feels to be told you’re HIV negative and have it backed by actual facts. Five bucks for a clean bill of health. Five bucks to know I’m not a statistic. Five bucks to let you know this shit is easy as pie. I can’t stress enough how foolish it is for us to rather go being unsure than to spend $5 and 60+ minutes taking virtually painless tests.

I wrote this so you can understand that it’s nothing. Seriously, it’s incredibly easy. And you’ll know. And you’ll feel great knowing. Imagine having a Hot ‘n’ Ready along with documented proof that you’re HIV negative and having only spent $10. That’s the reality. So please just go get tested. It’s nothing. Listen, it’s nothing. Practice negativity. Be safe out here.

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